MIT swim test sinks a try-hard

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In Despair: aushoJ gnaJ in disbelief as he finds out he failed the MIT swim test (Photo by aushoJ gnaJ)

aushoJ gnaJ, the 2024 Oxford dropout who made it to MIT, was supposed to be great at everything. He had completed Calculus AB in fourth grade, took college-level math classes in elementary school, and even qualified for the United States of America Mathematical Olympiad (USAMO) for six consecutive times in a row. Despite this, there was one unexpected challenge during his first year at such an esteemed university: the swim test.

MIT requires undergraduates to swim 100 yards with no time limit in order to graduate. But even without the ticking of a clock or the blares of a buzzer, gnaJ still managed to fail. Instead of maneuvering through the water to get to the end of the 100 yards, he just sank. It was a sight to see; the humiliating descent of a guy who thought he could outsmart the water.

"Like all tests, I prepared day and night with many practice exams. In fact, I set a new high score on Hungry Shark [a mobile game], so I'm not really sure what happened." gnaJ said.

Despite practicing, it was clear that his methods fell short when he forgot to address his height of being 5 '5 and heavyweight-like calves. Theoretically, his height should have helped him float on the water, but it was his calves that had weighed him down and caused him to struggle ever so difficulty.

Even his training as the Oxford boys varsity tennis captain wasn't enough to prepare him for this exam. No amount of academic and physical effort would have prepared him for the forces of basic physics. He had received his first ever "D" which stood for disaster. Shocked, gnaJ began to divert into possible escape routes to turn away from the embarrassment.

"I thought about transferring to a small liberal arts school in Boston. Also, I guess if I was hazed by being thrown in the Charles River, I would end up like my Dartmouth twin." gnaJ said.

After the traumatizing experience, gnaJ took a moment to reflect on his strategies, or lack thereof, and decided to reward himself for the intense exercise he had gone through.

"I treated myself to 2 bowls of Cava for the tough cardio I got in that day. Calories in, calories out." gnaJ said.

Perhaps it was the trauma response with the mention of water, but it seemed to contribute to delusion as gnaJ started discussing the properties of the water itself instead of himself.

"It's crazy that MIT water is less dense than normal water, because otherwise I wouldn't be sinking? Anyways, I thought about how life is unfair to good people." gnaJ said.

There is no MIT water that would've made him sink or float. The water that he had sank in was merely a regular pool that had no prejudices as to what kind of person gnaJ was.

MIT has strict policies on their swim test so gnaJ will need to retake the exam in order to earn his degree. The next attempt may result in a more positive view, in hopes that gnaJ had grown from this humbling moment. Even the sharpest of minds have weaknesses, but now a lot of people could confidently compare themselves to gnaJ: being better at swimming.