A&E
Fox News to make OATV great again
Completed its mission with Huntington Beach, the media outlet identified OATV as the perfect vehicle to bring "fair and balanced" programming to impressionable youth in the diverse enclave of Cypress. In an exclusive statement to The Damut, Fox News hailed the deal as a "necessary step to combat wokeness and promote traditional values early on."
"It is evident that snowflakes have infiltrated Oxford's campus and the district as a whole. I mean, ethnic studies as a graduation requirement? You have to wonder what other kind of 'empathy driven' narratives they are pushing in the classrooms," said Fox News anchor Ray Cest.
The acquisition comes in response to what the network describes as Oxford's "increasingly left-leaning climate," exhibited by the odd merger of the Gamut with the school's fashion club and the extinction of Oxford's Turning Point USA club.
With a complete rebranding, Fox News will strip down OATV to a new no-frills, testosterone-fueled version: oX. Gone are the skits, food reviews, and promotions of school events unauthorized by Fox, like the International Show. Instead, students can look forward to informative segments such as the lively morning show of "Ox and Friends" with debates like "Should gay people have rights?"
Fox representative Homer Fobe revealed that all previous content produced by OATV would have to undergo strict review by Fox editors before rerelease. Any anchors or staff who opposed the acquisition were immediately exiled from the studio for "threatening Fox's mission of promoting balanced free speech to all."
"I didn't know reviewing the buffalo chicken flatbread made me a danger to American society," said one former OATV member. "I joined OATV to spread information about our community, but now I'm obligated to say free school lunches are handouts to lazy children."
The Oxford student body remains split on the shift. Some, like the ghosts of Turning Point USA, are rallying behind and embracing the new vision of "Oxford patriotism," while others mourn the loss of the beloved student-run news station — some even wearing black for the "death of democracy."
"OATV and The Damut have always been journalism siblings at Oxford, so it's hard to watch as a billion-dollar corporation attacks its integrity and values," said a Damut staffer, Theo the Unicorn. "Also, have we not learned with Twitter? No one is calling it oX."
As the dust settles, one thing remains certain: oX is here to stay, promising free speech and choice to the campus, whether students like it or not. Tune in this week for Ox's debut with the brand new segment "How Oxford's Culture Clubs Discourage Assimilation into Beautiful and Perfect America."