Inside Oxford's rebrand as Amish Academy

when the chile is tea, Mexicana Grande Editor — April 22, 2025

An Amish Change: Rebranding as Amish Academy, Oxford has adopted the lifestyle of America's most fun, faithful, butter-churning and deodorant-avoiding community. (Illustrated by but the finna is gag)

Over are the days of sleep deprived, TikTok addicted, AI-reliant students — Oxford Academy has a new name: Amish Academy. After horrible state test scores and devious student behavior caused the high school to fall -2048 on the 2024 U.S. News and World Report ranking, the school's administration decided it was time for a drastic change. Now rebranded, the school has adopted an Amish approach where faith and farming are at the forefront of students' education.

The change is spearheaded by ethnically Amish, socially Latina, spiritually Egyptian and culturally Japanese headmaster Sensei Susie-san, whose childhood in Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania inspired her to spread the agrarian, evangelical lifestyle of the Amish to Oxford.

"These kids needed to touch grass. Literally," the diva said.

Touching grass is in fact part of the curriculum for AP Farming, one of the many courses students must take in their junior year. What was once Oxford's sports field is now a multi-purpose farm, where students — led by former boy band star turned Amish teacher Mr. Newhen — master the art of crop cultivation. They also learn to raise livestock on the farm, including ostriches and chocolate milk-producing brown cows.

"I used to slack whenever my APES teacher would lecture about plants, but now I'm engaged because I eat the plants. Who knew wild mushrooms were so heavenly?" junior Garci Gaycie said.

Not only has the school adopted the agricultural aspects of Amish life, it's also embraced the Amish language — Pennsylvania Dutch. As a native speaker herself, Susie-san saw the value in teaching it to students, but was frustrated that language-learning app Duolingo didn't offer it. So, Susie-san structured Amish Academy as a dual immersion school, where classes are taught in both Pennsylvania Dutch and English.

Susie-san has also mandated Amish attire as the school's uniform. Male students are required to wear suspenders and brimmed hats, while female students must adopt cape dresses and bonnets that cover up as much skin as possible. Makeup, perfume and, most importantly, deodorant are banned.

Surprisingly, going Amish wasn't always the plan. Administration originally suggested transforming the school into a khia asylum after being fed up with students breaking dress code, spending entire classes in the bathroom (even FiveStar couldn't stop 'em), and doing devious things in the baseball dugout.

"These kids need to be LOCKED UP!" former teacher Mrs. Peeyemo said, who left the school after its rebrand.

However, concerns over illegal child incarceration led the school to choose Susie-san's idea instead. And it was the right choice — only a few weeks into the new school and administration has converted students from nasty, rule-breaking scoundrels to faithful Amish followers.

And cow manure isn't the only thing in the air at the academy — love is too. The school plays matchmaker for its students, arranging them to be engaged with someone before they graduate.

"Tweaking out, doomscrolling on TikTok, multiple failed talking stages....everything was a mess until I met my Amishuzz," soon-to-be-married senior Tika Petal said. "Amish Academy has changed my life, and I'll forever be grateful."