Your new career as a boyfriend ASMRtist

redditdabbler, hotline blingeditor — April 1, 2026

Secret Side Hustle: BoyfriendASMR is a lucrative and rewarding career for aspiring young students! (Illustration by WEsquishymax)

Are you short on cash lately? Do you need a way to creatively express yourself and want to build an audience of adoring fans? Maybe you're trying to get some use out of your $5 mini microphone? Have no fear, The Damut has a step-by-step guide to this incredible side hustle! Being a boyfriendASMRtist requires passion, dedication, and most importantly… an incoherently deep voice that mimics the rusty cough of an old car engine.

Basic equipment
This job is an extremely cost-effective investment. The only requirements for this career are a recording device and editing software — the basic voice memo app should work. If you want to go one step above, a body pillow will enhance the realism of your cuddling noises.

Script writing
Every good boyfriendASMRtist needs a well-written script. The musings of ChatGPT aren't good enough — dive into the throes of fanfiction website Archive of Our Own (Ao3) for inspiration and explore everything from the tales of angsty loners to the fantasies of the perfect boyfriend.

Make sure you're including the unspoken parts of the script as well. Listeners should be able to hear the gears turning in your head, including your dark and mysterious thoughts —What you can't say in words, you can say in whispers. Mutter incoherently into the microphone, leaving your audience guessing as to what exactly it is that you are trying to say. Grunts, snorts, and squeaks are a necessary part of building your mystique.

"I really was able to practice my AP Lang skills through writing my ASMR scripts. I think that's why I got a 5 on my test last year," an anonymous Oxford ASMRtist said.

Taking care of your instrument
Just as orchestra players take the time to tune their instruments, you must be diligent in training your voice. Make sure to practice your whispers and your rasps. A good exercise for this is shouting; if a croaky voice does not come naturally to you, it can be emulated by mimicking the volume of hyperactive frat boys at the height of a party until your voice eventually gives out. Make sure to do this in secret. You wouldn't want to reveal your identity, would you?

Publicity and posting:
The best publicity is scandalous. All PR is good PR. Generate AI images of slightly tweaked anime characters, encouraging eager fans to click… only to be greeted with the sound of your welcoming voice. Stick out from the crowd with unique scenarios and eye-catching titles.

Make sure to stick to a theme. Are you the smart guy with a dark side? Perhaps the friendly, popular flag football quarterback going after the shy girl. Whatever your situation is, make sure to fully embrace it. Dress up to personify your character, bruised eye from being a mafia boss and all.

This lucrative career path is a one-of-a kind way to express your talent while ruining your digital footprint. To ensure that your career remains secret, use reverse psychology by including a link to your ASMR account on your public Instagram. No one will ever suspect a thing.


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