Lifestyle
How to lose a Patriot in 10 days
It's the first day of club rush, and you, president of OA Esports, are flaunting your Platinum in League of Legends to middle school boys pooling around your club booth. Suddenly, a whiff of fresh air amongst the stench catches you off guard. A girl? As she scans the QR code, you smirk; you'll be searching for her Discord ID in the sign-up sheet later tonight.
Day 2:
You stayed up all night in case she accepted your Discord friend request, but dozed off at 4:30 a.m. It's now 8:29. You sprint to Grindlay, open backpack thumping behind you, but too bad — Mr. Hershey has just shut the gate. You stomp your feet and growl at the fence in frustration. Swiveling around, you lock eyes with your new crush, who's been behind you this entire time. She scans you head-to-toe, taking in your red polo and navy skinny trousers. You don't have time to get too discouraged, however, as you've just scored yourself a date — to the main office.
Day 3:
You sit, focused, in your dead silent classroom — until an unmistakable Discord ping echoes around the room. You scramble to mute your laptop and look away shyly, but it's too late; everyone is staring at you: -1000 aura. You check the notification: she has accepted your friend request. You pump your fist in the air and cheer: "DATTEBAYO!!": +1000 aura.
Day 4:
To seal your destinies by mysteriously crossing paths with her during passing period, you dash out of class as soon as the bell rings. You ram head first into a pink sweater, except it's not your crush — it's Dr. Joe. She scans your outfit — a Cypress College sweatshirt illegally worn on a Thursday — and dress codes you right as your crush walks past.
Day 5:
The universe has blessed you: the two of you were paired for a Chemistry project, and she's suggested heading to Target for materials! Excited, you put on your sharpest red polo and khakis; since you don't have a car, you suggest walking the full 50 minutes to the nearest Target. When you arrive, you decide to forgo the cart as a show of manliness (and to get the bicep pump going). However, when a customer mistakens you for an employee, your cheeks flush and the pump disappears.
Day 6:
8 p.m: you're on a Discord voice call with your crush to work on the project. However, you accidentally screenshare the wrong tab, unveiling yourself as the anonymous mod of r/oxfordacademy, an obsolete Reddit sub only used by Europeans who mistake it for Oxford University. You explain this all to your crush, who, for some reason, now has to leave the call
Day 7:
You spend the day stalking your crush on Instagram, mindlessly clicking through her highlights. In a moment of pure shame, you accidentally react with a heart-eye emoji to a story posted two years ago. Panicked, you scramble to delete it, but of course, she replies instantly with a genuine "?".
Day 8:
It's a beautiful day in period 2 P.E., except you forgot your clothes so you're wearing a faded rental two sizes too small, a giant "LEBRONNYBOI5000" stamped across the front. Hoping to impress her, you grab a barbell a few (dozen) pounds too heavy. Unfortunately, Mr. McDoc declares you as the class leader. Sweat beads on your forehead as you struggle to curl the bar, wheezing with each rep. You accidentally miscount reps 8 and 9, making the entire class groan at your incompetence.
Day 9:
You're in the science building restroom, experiencing repercussions from the Taco Bell you scarfed down for breakfast. After a painful 40 minutes, you open the door: your crush is waiting outside. She shudders at the stench and turns to walk away. You yell to her across the hall, "Hey! You down to work on the project during lunch tomorrow?" You don’t hear back, but are ecstatic to receive a "sure" on Discord a few minutes later.
Day 10:
Today's the day. As time inches toward 11:50 a.m, you can barely sit still. With your homeroom on the opposite side of campus, you Naruto run straight to the lunch line and find your date already there, glancing away as you cut in front of hordes of students. You then ask the student lunch worker for extra fries, but he ignores you. Deciding not to make a scene, you whisper to your date if you could use her student ID for a second lunch. She eyes your big back as she mutters a small "sure." To return the favor, you offer to buy her a snack. Confidently, you lead her to the vending machine, punch in E12, and...card declined.
And that's how you lose a Patriot (who you never really even "had") in ten days.