How To: Evade the lunch lines

strawbriana, daily bugle editor — April 1, 2026

Sharpen your skills: If you aren’t cutting the lunch line, you’re falling behind. (Collage by strawbriana)

Tried and true, there is nothing better than that euphoric moment where you spot someone you can cut the lunchline with. Whether it's your best friend who's eagerly beckoning you to join them in the long, arduous journey, or your freshman year lab partner whom you haven't spoken to since, skillfully evading admins' watchful eyes is top 10 low cortisol moments.

For students who want to channel the second C of "Creativity," here are some more innovative ways that WE, The Damut, have cooked up for you.

Number one, kill two birds with one! Have you been bullied countless times by your friends for being unemployed? It's time to become a productive member of society by joining the lunch line workforce. By doing so, you are not only securing a paycheck but also getting early access to the coveted lunch lines. Leave cluster early, snag that tray of spicy fries, and mysteriously come down with an illness to evade your shift.

For our second technique, spend some time resumemaxxing to become a critical food inspector. Channel your inner Michelle Obama to use your badge and cut the line to "check the food's quality." Act supremely self-righteous, like those ancient cupbearers who make sure the King's food isn't poisoned, so that no one suspects a thing.

Lastly, our personal favorite, find a blonde wing to impersonate our favorite staff member: Carmen. This one is particularly tough because it requires months of deep reconnaissance and behavioral modeling to pull off the level of swag necessary. But, if done correctly, no one will question you as you assume Carmen's regular spot by the salad bar.

Good luck Patriots, on your honorable endeavor!


Airehwon Unicorn Frappe Smoothie by The Damut
Available for purchase on April 31st.