Newton's Laws of Attraction

rollurhair, editor of zanmang loopy — April 1, 2026

When Isasac Newton formally introduced his Three Laws of Motion in 1687, he secretly hid another manuscript that was later proved to be his original draft: Newton's Three Laws of Attraction. Newton was just as desperate as you are to get his special someone. If you thought this relic is now untrackable due to centuries of no mention, dust collection, and emotional damage, you are completely wrong. The Damut has recovered the authentic document, brushed off every speck of dust, restored every inch of tear and wear, and handled it with very much care just to show you the ways to move attraction so gravitationally, it will make apples fall off from trees.

First Law: Objects Remain At Rest Unless Acted Upon By An External Force
Everyone prefers to romanticize from a distance. Eye contact while passing by in hallways. A suspiciously timed Instagram story. An "accidental" or "casual" like on a three week old post.

But Newton said it loud and proud: your relationship will remain at REST unless acted upon by an external force.

Do you need a physics for beginners translation? It means nothing will happen if you continue what you're doing. Absolutely nothing.

Your crush will not magically decode your subtle telepathic eye-glaring hints. The universe, unfortunately, does not reward silent yearning. So instead, YOU must become the external force. A text, a compliment, a bold upward swipe on the story, even a strategically dropped pencil that rolls perfectly under their desk. However, that's not enough.

Still hesitant? Consider the supplementary forces: competition and jealousy. If someone else begins circling around your person, inertia (the tendency to be unchanged) instantly disappears.

Second Law: F=ma; Greater Force Produces Greater Acceleration
Following right after the first law, Newton claims that force equals mass times acceleration, meaning that the greater the effort, the faster the relationship progresses.

A weak "wyd" at 11:59 p.m. carries minimal to almost no force. A well timed playlist and coordinated performative outfit? Lightning acceleration.

However, although mass usually stays constant in most scenarios, one must account for the emotional mass. Emotional mass includes overthinking, severe attachment after one conversation, and mentally planning a full blown wedding after a shared laugh. When emotional mass increases, greater force is required to maintain the forward motion.

In simpler terms, if you are down catastrophically, you must have catastrophic levels of confidence to get back up.

But beware…excessive force may cause burnout, ghosting, or the dreaded friendzone.

Third Law: For Every Action, There is an Equal and Opposite Reaction
This is the most dangerous law out of the three.

Every text has a reaction. Every double snap has consequences. Every "I miss you" risks an "I'm busy".

Newton warns that energy sent into the universe will be returned, sometimes multiplied, sometimes mirrored, sometimes left on read.

If you give dry energy (I'm looking at all of you who call yourselves "nonchalant"), expect dry energy back. If you give enthusiasm, expect either enthusiasm or emotional chaos, there's no choosing which one.

Attraction operates as an exchange of momentum. If both parties apply equal forces toward one another, mutual orbit is achieved. If only one person exerts a force, that individual will experience what Newton coined "embarrassment".

Newton suggests one truth: what goes up (your hopes) may come down, violently. Yet without force, without motion, without risking acceleration, nothing moves at all.


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Available for purchase on April 31st.