The Damut's Ultimate Guide to On-Campus Nonchalance

precalculusiwillwin & therapuss, Staff Writer & BeReal Editor — April 22, 2025

(Illustrated by precalculusiwillwin & therapuss)

Oxford Academy, notorious for its constant raging parties and chalant students, deep in aura debt. The question often begged is how to show off one's superior nonchalance among mostly socially inept nerds. Well, have no fear! The Damut's two 6'2 nonchalant (non)dreadheads bring you the ultimate guide to nonchalance to blow away your classmates with your personality, or lack thereof.

Never walk; slowly pace with a lack of purpose.
Treading your feet to mirror a rolling backpack's wheels is ideal. Aim to congest the English building intersection as much as possible with an ultra-slow saunter that screams "I have something up my pants." Better yet, stop in the middle of the science stairs to stare at the railing. The dull grey resonates with your bleak soul — who cares if the chaluzz (chalant chuzz) are cursing you out?

To take your nonchalant endeavors to the next level, ruin your posture completely! Never invest in the tedious practice of supporting your back and raising your neck 15/32 an inch; instead, be the hunchback of NOTRoxford acDAMEy! Good posture's for sweats; you slouch below it all.

Don't speak when spoken to.
When called upon in class, always answer with an "mm" or a blank expression, complete with a shrug to leave others perplexed. To really go the extra mile, subtly nod your head. Emotion is for the typical peasantry; if you absolutely must speak, keep it as simple and opinionless as an ambiguous 'K'.

Only wear your Oxford uniform, inside and outside school.
Always dress to impress...Oxford admin. Spirit week this, free dress that — be one of the only Patriots truly tapped into peak "I don't give a GAF" culture and sport your khaki trousers and embroidered polos as leisurewear. Why spend your money curating an original outfit when you can spend it on a lobotomy to strip yourself of all individuality? This way, you never have to strain your basically empty brain — you're welcome!

Block out the world with your earbuds.
Pop in your wired earbuds (who has the time to charge their AirPods?) and crank up your 10-hour white noise playlist, sprinkled with "Relaxing Night Rain" and "Birds in the Forest Chirping" for a laidback, au naturel vibe, juxtaposed with underground releases from your favorite problematic artists! Whether it's Kanye or Beabadoobee, don't let the inferior opinions of others dictate your music taste. Never stream outside this playlist, so your Spotify won't have enough data to generate a Wrapped at the end of the year!

Eliminate any trace of you online.
The only social media you should have is an anonymous burner Reddit. Whether it be deleting your parents' Facebook one day or not getting caught dead on a club rush or @oa_patriots post, leave no trace of you online; it's negative aura.

The Damut recognizes that being trapped at Oxford for up to six years comes with the most dreaded consequence: chalance is too deeply ingrained within you, and none of the tips are enough to repay your aura debt...being nonchalant at Oxford is hard! To truly leave everyone wondering who you are, drop out!