Op-Ed
#hateurbf: everyone needs an Oxford Boyfriend
Oxford males often live up to the Oxford stereotype, being more likely to spend their time grinding homework for AP History classes and rattling off numbers for their AP Calculus courses than thinking of their girlfriend 24/7. Of course, this means that they might not always plan the most romantic of dates; rather, their time with their partner will most likely be spent at Da Vien Coffee, the Cypress Library, and Saturday Academy study sessions. Despite the lacking romantic atmosphere, these dates will surely help one boost their GPA.
Secondly, the Oxford boyfriend is caring without bounds. Because it's in their genes and therefore they're physically unable to resist the urge, one's Oxford boyfriend will never (and The Damut means never) fail to ask about grades, GPA, and what their partner got on their last test. Their continuous questioning and curiosity may make it seem toxic and even annoying to an extreme, but for the Oxford boyfriend, it's the equivalent of asking, "How was your day?"
Even better, with an Oxford boyfriend, one would never have to be waiting around for him; whether it be meeting up for those study dates or catching up after school, he is always on time. While other girls are forced to wait for their boyfriends to finish dressing in their daily choice of standard sweats, tank or shirt, and style their hair, Oxford boyfriends are always efficient. After all, they never have to think further than the skinny khakis and red polos that hang by the dozens in their closet. Furthermore, the low-taper fade is the automatic hair style for them, so their girlfriends will always be reassured that they come first before hair wax.
The benefits don't stop there, however. Though a majority of the Oxford boyfriends are unemployed, this is a greener flag than one may think. Unemployment forces the Oxford boyfriend to be without money or petty cash all the time. Therefore, he has no money to spend on anyone, including himself (this includes his girlfriend too, unfortunately, but his gnarly presence more than makes up for this minor detail). Due to all the money he saves by not spending, he is a financially responsible individual capable of saving the little money he has.
Lastly, having become used to surviving in a small school of just a little over 200 students per grade, the Oxford boyfriend is extremely friendly with everyone, especially with those in his class. This friendliness, of course, will extend to any past girlfriends or situationships he has had. They may comfortably work on group projects together and he may even bring up his exes in conversations regarding schoolwork and social functions. Though this may seem like a red flag, his ability to get along with his ex actually exemplifies his good personality and character–after all, not everyone is able to sit so comfortably next to their ex and reminisce on the ease of Mr. Billiams' Precalculus group midterm.
The Oxford boyfriend has suffered from countless negative stereotypes and misunderstandings. Now, The Damut urges to look past those to see the numerous positive qualities of an Oxford boyfriend; better yet, one should strive to date an Oxford boy themself to truly get the most out of a relationship.