A comprehensive guide on becoming the ULTIMATE Oxford parent

eyes turn red? RUN, Staff Writer — April 22, 2025

(Illustrated by sapphic white boy)

Want to be more involved with your students' education? Want to ensure your kids leave a long-lasting impact on Oxford for generations to come? Look no further: with drive, determination, and passion, you too can unleash the beast that is ultimate Patriot parenting by following this guide.

#1: Pick up and drop off
Start the day off right by asserting dominance in the parking lot. Ignore lanes and signs indicating the proper parking areas and defy the suffocating constraints by dropping your kids off in the middle of the second lane, ensuring they practice their stealth by scurrying past frustrated lines of cars. Make sure to do this with a 'Proud OA Parent' bumper—sticker enforced vehicle to show your involvement in the school community. Additionally, don't forget to store your children's valuables deep in your trunk and prepare them for a possible future in cave diving as they get out of the car and venture for their treasured backpack.

#2: Ensure success in the classroom
To make sure your scholar stays on top of their rigorous schoolwork, monitor their Aeries and eKadence religiously (ideally every hour) to keep an eye on their GPA. If you notice any slight issues — be it points docked off or (God forbid), a zero — be sure to passive-aggressively email teachers immediately. Ignore 'sensible reasons' the teachers may offer; you know your child best, and you know that they would never receive a B. If this method fails, you must resort to emailing administration and storming into the office — make them notice your tenacity!

#3: PTSA
To be even more involved in the community, join the Parents Training Super Academics (PTSA), and gain more insight into the Oxford atmosphere. Recruiters look for drive and endurance, so bust out your best pacer during orientation to show your athletic prowess that will be useful when chasing teachers! Don't miss out on this special opportunity — some say that the club meets every blue moon for lunch with grandmaster Ms. Dallas.

#4: Extracurriculars:
Every good Oxford parent knows that their child must be swamped with extracurricular activities to stay ahead of the pack. To make sure your scholar stands out, enroll them in uncommon extracurriculars, like an 8-hour afterschool shift in an Amazon warehouse. Regardless of the educational efficacy, these side-hustles will give your student a much-needed overload for their brain, like endurance training! For real physical training, engineer your kids for peak college admissions performance by making them hone their skills in niche sports like chess-boxing and extreme toe wrestling, both in anticipation of eventual D1 college additions! For the less athletically gifted, push them towards joining all the clubs on campus. By senior year, they should be president of at least 15 of them!

Becoming the perfect Oxford parent can require years of training and sacrifice (which is why we recommend having multiple children for trial and error). By following these tips, you are one step closer to unlocking your full parental potential.