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Patriot Match finds love in a hopeless place
Patriot Match uses skill-based matchmaking to find lonely Oxford Academians their perfect pair, using advanced algorithms that comb through students' Aeries and require applicants to complete intensive questionnaires. Some questions include whether the student enjoys the school's chicken sandwiches, pairs red polos with navy pants, and "how chill" they are with getting cut in the lunch lines. High schoolers unlock advanced filters, like whether the student took AP European History and the existence of Discord, X, and Reddit accounts.
Spearheaded by the Computer Science pathway at the behest of instructor Mrs. Comp Psi Patriot Match's development was originally an in-class project for the Mobile App Development class.
"I wanted to encourage my students to attain better hygiene in my classroom. Unfortunately, the only plausible solution I could come up with was to get my students significant others. That way, they'd be incentivized to possibly take showers," Psi said.
After the rudimentary components of Patriot Match were created, Business Entrepreneurship students quickly sought to improve the project for maximized benefits. Their slightly more normal input improved the algorithms, elevating filters from the basics like "wears deodorant" to "uses skincare beyond soap and water."
However, Patriot Match has garnered criticism from students with lower GPAs, who claim that it is "not fair" that the app prevents students from dating those beyond their league.
"What if I could match with someone way smarter than me? What if I'm really funny? We should make it holistic like college admissions to make it more compatible with our school," student Unnem Ploid said.
Students have noted that Patriot Match's elaborate filters leave them only a small handful of romantic prospects. The number is whittled down further once students swipe left on friends, exes, friends-of-exes, past situationships, past friends, enemies of friends (beef by association), men 5'7" and under, fans of LESSERAFIM's Chaewon, and other common Oxford turnoffs.
The Computer Science pathway published a statement on eKadence that they will not be implementing filters to prevent personal conundrums.
"If we added such features, students would have zero matches. We recommend pursuing the matches you're given earnestly and Stockholm Syndroming yourself into letting them grow on you," the pathway stated.
Patriot Match's launching has already created numerous couples on campus, resulting in a noticeable decrease in losers loitering alone at school dances.
"Patriot Match haters are just bitter. After uploading my Valorant ranking and my skincare routine of water and 12-in-1, I was given two matches. The first one was my ex-situationship in seventh grade, but the second one added my Discord IMMEDIATELY! The rest is history. Happy three weeks, babe!" student Jawb Less said.