OA tardy students: Worse than Thanos!?

3slimey, astrology editor — April 1, 2026

A New Evil: Tardy students are shaping up to be even WORSE THAN THANOS (Illustration by 3slimey)

For years, the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has brought the most powerful villains to the big screen. But, hyperfixation on these fictional evils distracts from the biggest real-life threats known to Oxford: tardy students. From as early as August, staff have reported catastrophic damage to the learning experience of students arriving thirty seconds after the bell. In light of recent ordinances decreasing tardy punishments, it is high time the OA community reverses these changes and sees tardy students as the Avengers-level threats they are, not even rivaled by the MCU's most infamous villain, Thanos.

For starters, every millisecond of class is as crucial as the rest to keep peace and order, from the Pledge of Allegiance to the morning announcements. By arriving late, tardy students are ruining the shared learning experience, causing inevitable harm. The Avengers have acted quicker against much less, including Thanos's quest to restore balance. Although slightly destructive, Thanos wanted to better the universe, something that cannot be said for tardy students. In fact, he chose to preserve half the population to minimize his impact, the only downside being that half of all students were tardy for the rest of the year. Even compared to Thanos, tardy students' preference for destruction reign supreme, warranting cruel and unusual punishment.

Moreover, tardy students keep their true intentions hidden, making them an unpredictable threat. Why do they refuse to drop everything to arrive on time? Why are they so resistant to one hour detentions for being five entire seconds late? They dismiss these questions with cryptic excuses like "I had to help my younger siblings get ready for school" or "my car broke down." There is no room for accidents in a serious conversation about morning announcements and roll call. To maintain punctuality, sacrifices must be made, a concept even Thanos clearly understood. Obtaining the soul stone was as important to him as it should be for students to arrive on time, and he was willing to sacrifice his daughter for it. If students aren't also willing to sacrifice family members, there is no telling how much havoc they may wreak.

To stop Thanos, the Avengers ultimately gave it their all to eliminate him, an idea that admin must take notes from: detentions prove insufficient, so they must consider more extreme action. For instance, obtaining the time stone would allow teachers to trap tardy students in a lecture indefinitely to make up for all the time lost from tardiness and remove the opportunity to be tardy again. With a little effort, the end of tardies could be on the horizon.

In conclusion, tardy students wage unprecedented destruction for sport and without restraint, a line even Thanos wouldn't cross. Just as his gauntlet would not realize its potential without all six infinity stones, the five C's feel incomplete without the final, sixth C: attendance. As a community, OA must band together to defeat the tardy monsters, even if it costs everything.