Highlights from the Wasian Olympics

mrs. bueckers and cynthiaerivosfingernail — April 1, 2026

Breaking Barriers: The first Wasian Olympics sets a new standard for representation of talent, diversity, and emotional damage. (Illustrated by mrs. bueckers and cynthiaerivosfingernail)

In a historical cultural milestone, the first-ever Wasian (White and Asian) Olympics celebrated diverse athletes from Feb. 11 to Feb. 18. From yearner championships to aura-drenched showdowns, competitors of all disciplines battled it out for the gold, silver, and bronze in a wide variety of skill-based contests. Olympic athletes, musicians, and fictional characters alike showcased their capabilities, and the broadcast vastly outperformed the 2026 Winter Olympics, with 67 million U.S. viewers compared to the Winter Olympics' 23.5 million.

In Yearning, one of the games' most hotly anticipated competitions, Shane Hollander from Team Heated Rivalry and Bruno Mars from Team Moms' Favorite Singers risked it all, executing complex routines judged on years of pining, playlists dedicated to it, and hours spent re-reading old messages. Unfortunately, Hollander spiralled when rival Ilya Rozanov left him on read, while Mars earned over 42.8 billion points for his discography entirely built around yearning for women. Despite widespread appreciation for Hollander's physique, Mars used his 24K Magic and came away with the gold.

Meanwhile, the race to the Wasian Olympics' Swag event edged out a number of strong competitors, so all eyes were on Team Halo's Alysa Liu and Team Pink Streaks's Megan Skiendiel. Liu came straight to the event from skating in the Winter Olympics, and Skiendiel, supported from the audience by her KATSEYE bandmates, also made an appearance to show off her stage presence and impressive choreography to the crowd. Though Liu's trending halo hair and nonchalant attitude about life competed fiercely against Skiendiel's pink streaks and stunner dance moves, the competitors were seen bonding over their matching alt styles and ship edits on TikTok. At the end of the event, Liu came out on top with her pure joy, epic knee slides, and ability to jump in ice skates.

As one of the first events announced for the Wasian Olympics, the Dealing with Incompetent Men competition balanced entertainment with real-world skills, attracting public attention with a rubric focused on decisions, comebacks, and resulting emotional damage. Belly Conklin from Team The Summer I Turned Pretty started out her set strong, but after she let Cam Cameron go and accepted Jeremiah's infidelity, her score noticeably plummeted. On the other hand, Eileen Gu, Team Nonchalant's resident Olympic skier, sustained a strong performance with creativity, quick thinking, and full confidence in her abilities. Despite being the same age as Conklin, Gu's far better decisions as well as her many Olympic medals' superiority over Conklin's nonexistent ring, won the event.

As the Wasian Olympics wrapped up, citizens across the nation of Wasia celebrated their championships and immediately began preparing for next year's games. Officials have confirmed that training camps will soon open for upcoming new events such as navigating the Tiger Mom and White Dad household, academic pressure pentathlon, and model minority speedrun.