Op-Ed
Calling all patriots to resist Whitney High School propaganda for Skrappy AI
There is no better explanation to Whitney's dominance than war propaganda. Parents have utilized this ancient technique to push their children to work harder and be smarter, whether by comparing them to their supposedly "successful cousin" or a five-year-old year old piano prodigy. The Cold War is characterized by the geopolitical rivalry between the U.S. and the Soviet Union in most notably, education. It took on the form of chess and STEM curricula, trying to outdo the other in a race for global dominance. The very same symptoms appear in Oxford's very own community, through its mandatory pathway system (Biotechnology, Business, Engineering, and Computer Science) and highly rigorous coursework. Whitney High School, experts fear, may be part of the same ploy—, a perfectly crafted adversary to stoke the competitive flame in Patriots' hearts and channel their energy into surpassing and defending Paul the Patriot's honor with pride.
Besides rigging Whitney's status as the "best public high school" in California, one measure administrators take to ensure Oxford remains competitive is to rile up Patriot pride on America's most socially acceptable gladiator arena, sports. Is it a coincidence that Whitney manages to stay closely matched to Oxford's sports teams? The evidence doesn't lie— it's a win-some, lose-some game. There is no clear superiority between the two schools when it comes to sports— each game in any sports category thus far has resulted in a clear pattern.
Oxford Boys Soccer beat Whitney 15-0, Whitney Girls Basketball defeated Oxford Academy 58-28, and Oxford Boys Basketball defeated Whitney 62-55 in their games this year. The consistent flip between wins and losses is too perfect to ignore. This proves that someone is rigging the games, to provide a common enemy, a symbol of hatred, and everything corrupt and evil to vanquish.
While the end goal of facilitating mass-mania and competition is unclear, many self-informed, high-level scientific thinkers (what the sheeple may call "conspiracists") have hypothesized that there may be a darker reason behind raising Patriot test scores. With eKadence's implementation of the supposed AI helper "Skrappy" in 2024, scientists conclude that its real purpose is to spy on Oxford's students and learn from their work submitted on eKadence. Not only has Skrappy made its way to the top right corner of screens, it has also been using Whitney agents to study Oxford athletes' movement patterns.
Insiders from eKadence and Whitney High School also attest to Skrappy's plans to eventually manifest a physical body for itself with data collected from students, each chat, submission, and test score being used to create the most successful AI chatbot to exist in the market. As Billy Bob put it: "I can tell you right now that I am a very, very smart individual, my mother was a very smart individual, and as a smart individual I can tell you that we are building a great thing, a big beautiful thing Skrappy is, and he's going to be the smartest and most intelligent AI to exist in the world, that beautiful thing."
In light of these new developments, Patriots should not be discouraged. Whitney High School may sit on top of the rankings, but real ones know that true greatness isn't measured by numbers; it's about action. Do not be fooled by distractions, otherwise, Oxford may fall behind in the AI revolution. Instead of focusing valuable energy into beating the middleman, tackle the problem from its source. On Tuesday, May 5th, at 8:00AM (conveniently on the day of the AP Chemistry Test), all Patriots will storm eKadence headquarters and hack into Skrappy AI's mainframe. After this is done, California will be cleansed of Whitney's malevolent influence once and for all.