Sports
Oxford student body projected to sweep D1 Yearning
Since 96% of the student body pre-qualified for the team, there were rigorous requirements implemented in the recruitment process to obtain the ultimate group of huzz-lackers.
Aspiring yearn team captains presented portfolios to the sport's expert judges (fourteen year-old AO3 writers with English as their second language) as to why they deserved the prestigious position.
"The last female I talked to was the cashier at Canes," senior Eugene Rejecston said. "I dropped my change in front of her. I fumbled multiple dimes that day..."
"I start everyday with five affirmations," said junior Jimmy Tate. "I am lovable, I am attractive, I have a girlfriend, my girlfriend exists... I..."
After holistic deliberation, judges gave the position to a non-candidate, as they said a true captain would not waste time socializing when they could be pining for a two-dimensional red fox from a film with nuanced comments on racism, or Atticus Finch (valid.)
"I was too scared to present my case and they an insecure pick-me girl was exactly what they needed." said Mariana Venti, current President of the Homewreckers Association. "It's a miracle really, especially since I'm just so ugly..."
Once Venti took her rightful spot as captain, athletes were categorized into four different events: the 400 meter red-flag relay race, the long jump (to no one on the other side), the escape-the-friend-zone pole vault, and the shot put.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," JV captain Norman Norbaddies said. "Which is why we never attempt to throw the shotput. That mentality will have us bringing home gold, no girls — but gold!"
Soren Quinto-Kuin, also known as the least dateable man in OA Class of '25, is projected to absolutely dominate the escape-the-friend-zone pole vault, having been friendzoned by the entire female Oxford population (ages 17 and under included). He'll be leading the team to undateable zones by teaching them to treat women the 18th-century way: without a voice and without a choice!
Four talented stars are set to dominate the 400 meter red-flag race, repeatedly outperforming Cypress and Kennedy High School and just barely trumping Cambridge Virtual Academy.
"I'd prefer if we kept our relationship private," first leg starter Crimson Banner, getting himself into the mindset. "A label would ruin what we have..."
The second leg-runner has shown no signs of interest in the competition hence his forecasted success. Lastly, star Zuper Seynior plans to run the last leg with his arms open wide waiting to locate where his hug is at.
Off the field, the athletes keep their competitive spirit up through high-maintenance eyecontactships, though players occasionally run into altercations.
"You don't learn to yearn until you strike some concern," damselless D1 athlete Jameni Belartan said. "Judgement means you're doing something right, and that's why half our athletes have restraining orders."